ask me if i forgot to go to a midterm today
I swear if it wasn't for meeting for drug dealers @ gas stations, i would never remember to get gas.
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
My kindergarten teacher served me... All coming full circle
Not sure if it's my shorts, hat, shoes, hair or soul but one of the above just got me drunk again from the glorious aroma of Keystone Light.
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
bro i dont care how hot she was, you try keeping it up with the amount of puppet he had in her room, it was like fucking in jeff dunham's house
I have the most nasty and explicit wet dreams of my boss that I'm embarrassed to look him in the face. I'd be pregnant or promoted if he only knew
Dad's already had 6 Zionist conspiracy rants and moms trying to detect any "dark energies" in my soul. You have 4 days before you return to this shit: ENJOY THEM
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
And now you know why we call him Three-Balls Brad
Stay strong! Remember we're too uncoordinated to be strippers to make money instead of being a nurse
Randomize
