Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
According to the transitive property, he has now had dick in his mouth.
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
It was a cry at the bar alone type of night, served with a side of passing out facedown in my nachos.
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
Just so you know, a 6'7" tall gay man, with a martini in one hand and a fairy wand in the other, is not a force to be reckoned with...don't ask.
He was still there when I ran half naked into my suitemate's room where she was skyping her boyfriend and I started singing I JUST HAD SEEEEX
how do you play pong handcuffed?
woke up in your bed at 6 AM. on my way home I passed Nathan, bloody, barefoot, and still in a toga. He told me he woke up in a ditch then kept repeating "I'm totally bringing this up at meeting tomorrow". I'm proud of your frat today
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
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