God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
I just googled maps his house, and took the virtual tour back to my apartment, just so I could visualize the walk of shame in the morning
Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
so whats your words to drink to for the state of the union? mine are 'change' 'fight' and 'you know'.
mine is 'the'.
I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
ARE YOU ALIVE? usually when i say lets start drinking at inappropriate times you come right over. im worried
she woke up, said "please dont tell me your name, i dont want to remember it"
YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL.
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
We broke up. My life is now 7 inches less.
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
...
Just got recognized as black out drunk girl. I'm never going to live that down, am I?
I have a mailbox and I don't know why.
Randomize
