His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
you said "tonight pinky, we take over the world" and then came in my face
On my arm I have 12 dashes, and below is written "plus 2 pretty stout whiskey drinks, so, you be the judge"
So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
the fact that i already established a hook up buddy for thanksgiving break is genius
I have no idea. He was just running around wearing a horse mask yelling "bumfuck" repeatedly. We figured we'd just let him get it out of his system.
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
I don't care how hot she is, her cat has pissed on me twice.
blue gatorade loses no color upon regurgitation
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
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