my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
Just once id like a girl to say to me in the dracula voice, i want...to suck...your dick...
The little penguins are speaking with a hispanic accent. I dont know how to feel about it. Geographically speaking, this cant be possibly. This isnt cool.
I really hope you aren't where I think you are. Dude she has a MUSTACHE. You need Jesus..
i just thought that perhaps i was done with the "boning on someone else's futon" stage of my life. guess not.
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
Nothing like cleaning out your cleavage from lunch, finding cookie crumbs and eating them...
No I did not just post a Craigslist ad for a used stripper pole because I can't afford my own. But now that you put the idea in my head I might have to.
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
My dad made a joke about you sending me strippers for valentine's day so clearly everything here is normal
I someohow managed to lose my butt plug in tne midst of moving to B.C. and I am not a happy camper.
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
Randomize
