what do you mean I googled how to give an awesome blow job?
I go to guys houses late at night, have a little fun, come back by dawn having made their life a little bit better. I am the official blow job fairy.
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
At one point you starting double fisting oreos in your mouth confused about how you got out of the car
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
I'm not even mad. I was just trying to get a boner, you're the one that had to see that
I just want to slap everyone in the face that's happy being sober. Loser.
You were a cyclone of alcohol and bad decisions - like a gay Tazmanian devil
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
Dicks are not precious.
Drunk is not a location!
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
Randomize
