Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
he even offered to make my bed in the morning.
just watched the video of me leading you with a trail of french fries.
honestly, i just want you to have sex with him too so that you can fully understand my appreciation of his dick as well.
If you hook up with a kid and the next day he breaks up with his girlfriend, those can be seen as two completely unrelated incidents right?!
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
I will be single by the day my lease is up (234 days). Plan accordingly.
Beans, may the odds of a nip slip and drunken make out session be ever in your favor
my only goal for the semester is never go to my wednesday class sober
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
So many questions...the two most important are, where the fuck is my booze and how did you even get the couch through the door?
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
Randomize
