Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
Get your damn GED now that you are harvesting a child in her belly
What is a GED?
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
I was so exhausted I thought about using my deep throat spray to stop my coughing.
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
it's all fun and games til I text you in last nights clothes with a head bleed
Specially since he wanted to forget that we even touched, which makes it funnier because I don't think you can take back licking someone's butthole...
I lost my bra, he lost his virginity. Seems like a fair trade off.
Oh my god. We just got locked out of our cabin and went to the neighbor's to see if they had a key and caught the neighbor jerking it. My night > your night
Strip club, what strip club did I eat a steak at? That's the appropriate question
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
This reminds me of the time you were crying and puking in the toilet at that party while i did shots of tequila in between blow drying your feet. miss you!
We walked around last night for hours saying nothing but nom nom nom and barking at each other.
I looked into her soul, didn't I?
You eye-fucked her soul.
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