Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
Thats how high i was. The fact that he looked like Seth Rogan was apparently a good thing.
my Prof for my bio lab has his lab coat collar popped. it's 8 am and im too hungover for this guy
She was wearing a shirt that said "Just Do Me", holding a half of a bottle of Vodka, and was screaming at her friends "PUSSY JUST SWALLOW!" before she chugged the rest of the bottle.
Dude, if you don't take her, I will.
Take your time, they're doing body shots off the dog.
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
We were talking when all of a sudden she reach and started squeezing my dick and goes "nice." and then just kept the conversation going like nothing happened.
So none of you told me my tits were popping out of my shirt for three hours?
We told you. Repeatedly. You said you made it look good.
Literally breaking up to my boyfriend while jamming out to Feraglicious
Don't worry I sent a creepy stalker message to a guy I slept with 6 years ago, Sunday Funday rock bottom
I'm just so full of love and alcohol
Who wakes up at 9 and says "let me send a pic of my dick to my ex gf"
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
But I only have 2 emotions angry and horny
Randomize
