im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
there was this guy running across campus barefoot in the pouring rain stepping in all the puddles. i want his life. and i want to be stripper.
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
I AM SAFE. EVERYTHING IS FOG. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED.
she drove 3 hrs one way just to sleep with me. I felt bad complaining about paying for condoms.
I can't look at him without thinking about his cum face
I couldn't find the bathroom last night...so I wrapped myself in the curtains and stuck my butt out the window and peed from two stories up. Thank god I don't remember.
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
I would give a kidney to fuck him and he knows it. That bastard.
I ate 2 pot cookies before we left the house. Fuck Pokemon. I'm playing my own game.
I walked into your room and you were wearing party beads, a foam finger, and reading the dictionary. Good night?
What better than a girl who loves jager, sexts like a champ and is down for t-bell at any hours of the night? oh wait, NOTHING.
Randomize
