please say your awake. the girl i brought home last night...any idea on a name? she isnt up yet...
oh man you're gonna hate me when you log onto facebook. remember i love you
She threw her promise ring on the ground, that's when the freak came out.
At least drunk you showered before switching sex partners last night.
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
Unless you're gonna start buying my underwear, you have got to stop ripping it off of me.
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
i got home safe but then alex started a fire so now we're at the hospital
tbh i just wanted to fuck a guy with forearm tattoos but then he was so FORWARD about it
Dad danced on top of the bar with me last night. And has a video of me doing a beer bong.
He was singing on top of spaghetti, and then started crying. He said it was the saddest song ever, "so so sad".
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
I swear to god, if you ever yell my name during sex with my sister again..your balls will be stapled to your nipples.
Randomize
