im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
don't worry, i have a range rover and a brother hopped up on steroids.. we can solve this little misunderstanding quite easily.
STOP SENDING ME DANCING JESUS FORWARDS.
"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
I don't plan to be alive for 2010 so ima say this 12 hours early. Happy New Year bitches
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
Just to an Octoberfest and a sex party. Nothing wild.
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
You don't get to call me bro after you've had your dick in me.
I know that whole thing was awkward. Not worth the piece of cake.
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