omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter
Whats your twitter name
I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
I'm sorry that you don't think that "Daddy Issues" are a real thing, but I can tell you that some assholes who never went to their daughter's dance recitals are responsible for getting me laid...continuously.
Imagine if sharks could walk on land...scary.
So i just found out i replied to my room mates craigslist ad. Akward
im sitting in a tub with a sombrero on.. im just kind of confused.
I made a bet with her that she would show me her tits if I finished my beer. Only on spring break.
In this town being related to a brewing family or the owner of a sports team is like being royalty. It's like hooking up with the queen's nephew or something.
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
i would compare it to sliding down a velcro-covered fireman's pole naked. no more bearded men for me.
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
I fear our relationship is coming to an end. Last night I felt the need to bloody apologise for waking him up with a blow job.
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
Randomize
