I'm sorry..where i come from learning how to exploit a wealthy middle aged man is a right of passage
you went around grabbing cigarettes out of peoples mouths and claiming you were curing cancer.
dude im at a party with a bunch of 17 year old gilrs this is awesome
no its not leave
No amount of marijuana is enough to justify blood on my ceiling
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
You just put lesbians and Hogwarts in the same sentence. Of course I'm in.
Someone somewhere has a picture of me vomiting in a bus stop trash can while a drag queen held my hair for me.
Pride claims another victim
look when god gives you a dick that good for his son's birthday you don't question it
JUST DENIED A NEW YEARS KISS BECAUSE HE WAS A COWBOYS FAN.
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
I'm currently drunk proofing my room
I'd send you a picture as proof but I want to marry him some day and that would be a deal breaker.
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
