How come it tastes like onions whenever I go down on her?
He's a collector of sorts
Any cool stuff?
You should see the collection of booggers in the carpet next to his desk
it's not cheating when I paid for it
if it walks like a guido and talks like a guido, i'm gonna fuck it.
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
I haven't seen her in ages, how is she?
Well I woke up next to her this morning so I guess I would say she could be doing better
These are your "grown up" slampiece's new hours of operation; please plan accordingly
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
Also, rendered a whole bar silent last night when I told a guy to take off his panties and take a shot out of my cleavage. Video to follow...
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
Let's be honest dude, you almost cried when I gave you a handy, you are not ready for a relationship, I knew this.
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
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