I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
and im sitting here waiting for them to work on my car. in a room full of men. that are too old for me. its like a sausage fest nightmare...
I just want to go some place where I can have a nice night. Grind on men who speak no English, make out with a girl, and not feel judged.
Once again there IS no outside bathroom. Never has been, that is the balcony
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
Hey so I just want to get straight to the point it was me who ate the last cupcake and it was your sister who I fucked last nigt
I think I threw my underwear away at What-A-Burger last night.
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
He was doing dishes, naked. I dropped to my knees and gave him head. Teamwork level- pro..
YOU ARE STRONGER THAN YOUR VAGINA
I had just gotten to his place and was about to get some dick. No way was I gonna let her negative attitude affect my orgasm feng shui
His mom just pulled off a quadruple cockblock. I'm not sure if I'm mad or impressed?
Randomize
