R and i have drinken 4 bottles od red wine. By ourselfs
You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.
Handjob with gloves on results in friction burn. In case you've ever wondered
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
dude wearing that thong all day was not worth the 7 bucks
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
Dude she hit me with my own penis and it hurt. I've never been cock slapped but she slapped me with my own cock so it has to be worse.
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
My dad just saw me take dirty one night stand underwear out of my purse. I'm willing to admit I have a problem
i can't hookup with him because someone else bit my vagina
They tricked me into going into that room by saying we'd smoke a bowl and then they all proceeded to have an intervention with me about my love life.
Remind me to tell you about this weekend with them. It was the least fun I have ever had drinking. And I have thrown up pork and beer through my nose on the side of the freeway.
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