My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
Its alot easier to hide alcohol when your wearing a toga..
everythings easier when your wearing a toga.
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
I'll see ya tonight at your house...and I'm bringing you a special treat that starts with a V and ends with us eventually going to rehab one day.
He makes me wish my vagina was bigger... This must be what love feels like.
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
I don't know what he did to me, but he did it wrong. I think my pelvis is broken. I cant even drive without it hurting. What. The. Fuck.
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
Halloween is the end of the singles holidays they don't start again until st. Patrick's day we better get wifed up or it's going to be a long winter lol
We had an in depth conversion about the best way to take a dick pic. Both with and without mirrors.
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
Please clarify that he is speaking of beer pong and not rough sex
I just jacked off to nostalgia.
Randomize
