found some acid from a couple months ago while looking through christmas lights. Looks like santa came early this year.
were doing shots for every snowflake that hits the ground
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
She showed me her tits and my first thought was "I want these to feed my future children." I'm scared.
N I'm drinking this invention I call "do-it-fluid" I had a bottle of vodka that was 3/4th empty, so I put in 1/4th rum, 1/4th tequila, 1/4th whisky... it's definitely the worst idea ever..
I can't get over how you look like his sister and he wants to fuck you.
I am never taking a razor down there again. He'll have to love me as I am.
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
I tried to break it off with the married one. He offered to pay off my car.
The side bitch struggle is real.
I woke up on a boat next to an extremely attractive man wearing nothing but a life jacket. Neither one of us owns a boat...
It can't be Friday yet, in still getting friend requests of people I don't remember from last weekend
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
He said it only counts if it ends up on the internet
did he think i wouldnt notice the naked girl in the backseat
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