she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
I fucked my boyfriend 15 minutes before my pap test. My gyno probably thinks I hate her.
All he said was "Yeah, there's a lot of air down there. And penis."
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
its likemy ribs anf my hesrt aew cuddlingn
just watched my roommates get stoned and jury rig a pulley system to pass the bowl back and forth across the room.
sorry bout that man. went out to pay the pizza boy, ended up hooking up with some random drunk girl that thought i was someone else
Ok how about tonight me and you get laid together. Same girl. Then she signs our dicks.
As weird as it sounds I would totally be down
He's the only guy without a tacky accent I've seen in this southern dump in 6 months. Bangage was inevitable.
You're such a Yankee.
I'm right down the road from AJ's old house and I'm getting mixed feelings. My vagina is remembering good dick. But the rest of me is remembering horrible times.
Dude so help me god I WILL weigh a penis one day
Baked goods and tits. Hard to go wrong there.
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
Dude. Don't do acid and go to Disney on ice. Hear my warnings. That snow monster will fuck your shit up.
Randomize
