I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
i just ran into our bio chem professor at the bar. apparently, he doesn't follow the "no slapping your students' asses" rule.
so I'm in athletic shorts, a suit jacket and I'm still drunk at 6:30am at the last leg of relay for life
No. He just yelled "youre having one more orgasm!" So he made that happen and then he rolled over and went to sleep.
I left myself a trail of jello shots, that ended at his door. OR maybe he left me a trail of jello shots at his door. DO I GO IN!?
well, the two that sent pics I've already been with, so at least its not just BAM HERE'S MY PENIS IN YOUR INBOX ENJOY THOSE MEGAPIXELS
yeah the little voice in my head screaming YOU NEED TO GET LAID eventually grew legs and started kicking me so to avoid brain damage i had to fuck him
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
Still not over the fact that we prayed to Jesus to help us win beer pong
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
Randomize
