You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her
would it be completely unacceptable to smoke a cig outside naked? im already doing it so what you say doesn't matter.
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
I ended up with bruises on the back of my knees. Tell me again how I did this?
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
I think you're too young for vagina rejuvenation but I guess you have never been one to listen. Sounds good! You bring the Percocet ill bring the vodka!
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
she comes in perfect pitch. hook up with more singers.
So I sniffed too hard this morning before work and I THINK THE COCAINE JUST STARTED ROUND 2.
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
Randomize
