haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
That can be our thanksgiving, vodka and cornbread. Just like the pilgrims.
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
thanks. im glad you find me better in your comparison between me and fat girl porn.
You have proved your worthiness to join me on the quest of taking shots at every academic building on campus by showing up drunk to our test at 12:30 today
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
It was a group decision to take your pants off. Took a solid 10 minutes. No more skinny jeans while drinking.
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
I'm not sure if I should be proud of you for having morals or disappointed in you for letting your sex life get this sad.
MORE IMPORTANTLY I THINK I JUST WATCHED SOMEONE GET SO LONELY AS TO TURN BISEXUAL??
You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
it was the kind of sex that I don't even know how my hair extentions are still in
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