Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
how was the sex?
he smelled like pickles and burnt hair.
well, there's that.
if i could have babies with my dog i totally would cause i know thay would be fucking hott babies.
My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
Just got a free shot w my beer...it's not quite 11am yet...I love international travel. These people aren't judgmental.
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
well this is gonna sound really bad but we were fooling around on sandra's electrical wheelchair
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
Of course the first guy who sees my nipple piercings is a Catholic from Nebraska who won't do anything but dry hump me.
Well my summer started by me waking up in a tube on the side of the pond this morning with 2 of my friends. So that's good..
I'm about to have a threesome at the hotel where I had my quinceañera. Becoming a woman under this roof for the second time, whaaat
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
She's like a squirrel. She spazzes out all the time.
Randomize
