shaved balls and baby powder=awesome
moral of the story: I'm going to stab everyone
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
she would only give me a road handjob because she didnt want to unbuckle
safety first
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
This coming from the girl who broke up with a guy because she found out he played the tuba in middle school.
Yea, I had a chaperone thankfully. I'm in the fetal position attempting to eat captain crunch now.
Just for the record its a bit awkward when you introduced me to your friends at your house as your brother and then insisted in front of them that I sleep in your bed with you
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
You were drinking tequila through a straw.. and kept waving your arms at me and getting this intense stare down as you muttered something about jedi mind tricks.
I am putting clothes on to go find a brownie
In my experiences, brownies are better naked.
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
The expiration date on my 40 is the same day as my 21st birthday
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