Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
you dialed the number "23" then talked to it for three minutes
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
he was gone before i woke up. left a pee stain, phone number, note and $20 for sheets. safe to say i will not be calling.
I rarely go in there. Unless it's for mini cadbury eggs and whiskey.
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
I don't know which part of you thought this was funny but it's fucked up to wake up in that much fluff and now we don't have a couch. Fuck you.
I told you in the isle if you get the one that vibrates that I masturbating with it. Your fault.
Bullshit. You owe me a toothbrush.
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
And on the 323rd day without sex, God finally said let there be light...or love?
Randomize
