Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
I wish you could order shots online.
there is just no excuse for touching your mothers vagina.
hes like the used car salesman of hook ups and closed the deal w my taking him home with me,as is,today
By this time tomorrow I expect us to be sitting at the kitchen table either playing a drinking game, or crying. Set an alarm
I deleted his number so I had to go into my old voicemails which are saved through my gmail and search his name... Never underestimate the resourcefulness of a drunk girl on a mission for dick
I seriously just caught my Pina colada from falling of a table perfectly facing up. I will now reward myself by finishing this one and then getting my 8th
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
because of daylight savings time I lost an hour of sex with an incredibly hot guy last night. thanks a lot farmers.
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
Woo is fucking right, dude. Vodka night tonight. Honestly, every night pretty much seeems like vodka night lately. My liver wants to move out of my body like I gave it an eviction notice.
I think I just got booty called by someone I've never slept with or even really had a conversation with before.
I come home to my brother mixing skittles and vodka. We're all proud of him.
Randomize
