ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
This situation is one cop call away from being a Lifetime movie.
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
I got woken up by a construction worker, turns out I was laying in a hallway, naked and wrapped in a matress pad. To answer your question no, I did not study for this test I got David Hasselhoff drunk
She said I looked exactly like my dad. Then she made out with me. Should I be questionable?
I NEED TO GET TO THE PLAYGROUND. I JUST NEED TO SWING. IF I SWING MAYBE THE SMELL WILL COME OFF OF ME. I NEED TO SWING
How early is too early for a booty call on a Monday night?
Honestly I am too high to watch videos of you jerking off right now
I just spent the last three days trying to hook up with a dude for his pool privileges
WINE AND FILM. TALK ABOUT AN UPGRADE FROM NETFLIX AND CHILL.
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
Randomize
