You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
he just told me he'd rather go to the pirates game. i know it was desperate but i said id give him roadhead if he let me come along.
we marched down beaver avenue with lit tiki torches humming the olympics opening song.
his mom found me in the closet hiding and the only thing i could think of was to sit there and wave.
it's not like this is the first time she's brought a guy home and I'm the one who hooks up with him
it wasnt even considered partying. it was like "ok, who can get the most shitfaced and not pass out"
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
He initiated the conversation by sending me a picture of his penis at 4 am
I am eating a king sized snickers in the strip club. Good morning.
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
Is that your mom climbing in your window dude
My dreams last night were filled with sex and quidditch.
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
It's an interesting experience to pee while a bird meows at you.
You need to get out of the house more
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