Sooo, his balls are like... bigger than my head...
I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
i finally watched harry potter... a tad unrealistic if you ask me... i mean a ginger kid with 2 friends?
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
i just snorted adderall with my patient's rolled up EKG strip from our last clinical. nursing school has ruined me. thought you would appreciate this.
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
Bro, I just googled 36 year old pussy so when I do see it I won't be shocked.
I'm sure we could make a ball of yarn and a nickel into a drinking game
well they never fully had sex so she's like an eskimo step-sister. I'll make a family tree for you.
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
I didn't mind you coming over, just I'm quite sure most booty calls don't involve a scavenger hunt...
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
do you think our homemade porn will pass for my cinematography final?
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
Randomize
