I called her the wrong name twice and she still called me back this morning. DO I still wait two days to call her back?
Booty call?
Dude you don't even follow my twitter
And i quote: "where's y'alls from comin' in with them accents?" - from a mississipi mcdonalds
West Wing DVD drinking game: drink whenever they waqlk around a lot. I LOVE POLITICS SO MUCH
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.
she asked me which thongs i though her boyfriend would like best. fuck the friend zone
Were playing bathroom attendees at the party and making people wash their hands
i made a dollar
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
Her hotness level dropped from an 8 to a 2 as soon as I walked into her place. It REEKED of cat piss and there was no litter box and NO CATS.
I'll say this one last time. You are TWENTY FIVE YEARS OLD. You are not going to die alone and this is not the twilight of your life. Stop taking shrooms on your period!!!!
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
You know it's NBA season when you compare head to 3 pointers.
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
Randomize
