I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
Whoever owns the butter that i always steal out of the office fridge definitely put THC butter in there this time. Shit just got real.
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
Just did a "spirit of homecoming" bump off a stranger's credit card. A stranger that dropped us off at home. Erica's bad. How do allllll of the Eastern Europeans know how to find drugs so easily?!?
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
What do you mean not that crazy? I had sex last night. with my\nBOSS. in the restaurant where we WORK.... ON A DINNER TABLE.
Do you ever just admire your boobs?
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
Randomize
