I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
i woke up to him dangling his cock in front of my face
I learned an important lesson this weekend.... I'm way to good at sex to travel for it. From now on he drives here...
There are regrets in my world today- mostly jager at that fucking altitude
I have to think about this realistically and not with my vagina.
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
I don't care how hot he is. I will not strip for him to country music.
I deserve this hangover.
my goal is to never have a bac of 0.0 the whole time while in the state of florida, which means i have to chug a beer before i cross the state line
i cant believe the cop was fine with you saying no we are in a hurry when he asked to search your car
Is it totally acceptable to fuck a co-worker even though we don't speak the same language?
Why do you even have to ask me that question
She told me the next morning I stared at her tits for like 15 minutes with binoculars from only a few seats away.
hey. this is your former cousin. you boned my best friend last night.
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
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