the drag queen on stage looks like shes wearing the EXACT same dress i wore 2 senior prom.
If it makes you feel any better, i gave her boyfriend a blowjob last week.
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
Did I crawl through the hotel lobby all the way to our room?
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf...and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL
so no, not her best night
Every part of me is in agreement...but mostly my vagina
I almost bumped into a man wrapped only in a blanket at 10 am
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
WELL I DIDNT KNOW IT WAS POSSIBLE TO COME SO HARD YOU HAVE AN ASTHMA ATTACK BUT HERE I AM
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
Randomize
