At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
How did it go last night?
Woke up head half shaved and a burrito? So good and bad?
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
I don't know if I want to live in a world where i can't fuck an exes brother.
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
my paper on vitamins just turned into a 2 hour tangent google search on what i should buy to best cure a hangover. I need to stop getting high before homework
Some how my underwear was hanging from the antlers of a antelope head on the wall of the hotel........
He drove over an hour to get this shit done. I guess i win the golden vagina award tonight
Did he hurt you? I have a crowbar I can beat his sorry ass with
My ultimate hope is that people will hug me, smell me, and therefore think I'm classy.
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