My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
it took me 2 minutes to realize that it wasn't HER hand on my penis. First, and worst threesome ever..
Congratulations!! You are the WINNER of a brand new BLOWJOB!! You can collect your prize between the hours of 12pm and 1pm today, anywhere you'd like!!! :)
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
I'm watching sex and the city with my wine and Wendy's. I'm not sure if this is single woman empowerment or not.
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
You are under a naked attack watch for the whole weekend. Shelter in place.
For an hr, you were convinced you no longer had a right arm so you played Super Mario Bros with just your left hand vs Beth. You won btw, mite b why she refused to wear the unicorn head
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
Never thought I'd say this, but getting head from a skeleton was better than I thought. Happy Halloween
Waxing your own asshole is awkward and difficult at best.
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
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