first day of class and my professor asked me if i was going to come to class drunk all semester.
I'm lying here drinking water from a shot glass..moving is not an option right now
I woke up at 5:47 in the morning to you peeing on my parents bedroom floor. I think we've established that you have a limit .
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
We tried to make ramen in a glass bowl on the stove. They called facilities to pick the glass out of the door
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
struggle bus is officially taking me on a road trip to hell. If this is just the first destination, I'll jump out the fucking window.
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
Dougie got over his pride nerves. Found him dancing on a float wearing nothing but rainbow boxers.
Sincerely. Thanks. You could have thought of anyone sitting on your face but you chose me. :)
It was a tough decision either lay in bed or go to work and lay in the stockroom
Is it possible to hurt your vagina working out, because I think my Dumbass accomplished that... 😯😟😒😓
Do I even want to know?
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
Randomize
