Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
we're at the bar and some girl dropped a bottle of burnettes strawberry vodka out of her purse and it broke.
i mean, if that's not class, then i don't know what is
so basically i'm the" little sister", he's the "big brother" and we just fucked
Spotted at kelly concert- 10 year old in a homemade "I do not hook up" t shirt. Well I should certainly hope not, sweetheart.
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
Soup is not an acceptable meal before doing that many Jager bombs
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
What's bad is when she said "what hobo did you steal this dick from?"
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
We fucked like animals and then decided we actually liked each other so then we made love. It's a match made in heaven.
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
Remember when I got punched in the face on NYE last year? I don't
Don't worry about it too much, but I just committed us to possibly raising a kid
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
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