i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
He wouldn't know what to do with his penis even if they made a "how to get a blowjob for dummies" guide
dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
i hooked up with some kid with a broken arm and he wouldnt even let me sign his cast
I made popcorn. Partly so the room doesn't smell like sex, and partly to apologize for the things you saw when you walked in...
I've eaten cheese dip for three consecutive meals. I think I need to branch out.
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
Did I really just find a cheez- it box full of condoms in your room?
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
Care to explain the single rose and the package of "Cowboy Moustaches" I found on the porch?
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
I'm just impressed that you can puke without losing your gum
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