hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
Her bacne/racne was so bad it was like having sex with bubble wrap.
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
Seriously? He's going to use MY birthday sex as the opportunity to ask if he can pee on me?!? I let him, but wow talk about selfish.
Can't. I took a Viagra to make sure I wouldnt leave the room so I might actually study.
Came so hard when I was riding him that I actually bit some of his chest hair off. He said I was the first girl ever to do THAT.
Last night I went to spank her while she was riding me and sack-tapped myself.
We don't know where he is but he left his pants and what appears to be a tooth here so he's gotta come back sometime
I am so horny that I an legitimately concerned for your safety when I see you tonight.
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
not only was there glitter in the toilet after i peed, but there was some on the toilet paper after i wiped. this cant be healthy.
i have a strong feeling that today will be a naked day for me...i don't feel like doing shit
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
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