sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
his balls ACTUALLY tasted like nuts
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
I figured he was gay when I walked in on him working out to Flirty Girl Fitness.
I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
She tied me up with her honor cords...
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
Dude, you need to man up. You passed out before a PRESEASON game. It's a long season.
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
You are hereby uninvited from future Turnt Tuesdays until further notice.
My pants are on and I'm pretty sure I tried to throw them at someone.
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
he offered to let me fuck his brother , of course im marrying him
Randomize
