sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
Playing a game in life called "how far can I make a man travel for a booty call"
I got out of bed with her to go smoke a bowl with her roommate which was fine but I passed out when I went upstairs to take a piss.
Yeah.. she's probably not gonna call.
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
omg his dad is hot
... I'm currently away at the moment. Leave a msg since I cannot express how much I can't help you stop ruining peoples lives.
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
Pretty sure I got at least one girl to question her sexuality at the Christmas party last night
I peed in Andys sink the other day bc I didnt want him to hear me pee
I am playing in the snow in my bunny outfit. GET OVER HERE
Tonight’s your last chance for a danger free blowjob.
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
Randomize
