Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
Girl next to me just said "as a guy I used to sweat but not I don't. it's awesome" Oh. My. God.
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
The plan is to make enough mistakes this weekend to hold me over until spring break
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
Got head last night. Had the 3D glasses on the whole time.
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
Sware then you fell into me doing a Tarzan swing thing and my margherita spilled and shattered all over this guy and sice you were on the ground you tried to pull it off by twerking on the floor lmfao
Talked a police officer into driving us the 1/2 mile home from the bars because we didn't want to walk. I never knew the back of cop Cars had plastic seats.
I came so hard my entire leg seized. Her blowjob gave me a Charlie horse.
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
Randomize
