How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
my computer doesn't work...
why?
i puked on it last night
Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
I got so many pubes stuck in her braces that when she yanked her head, I cried out like that one girl you "accidentally" rear-ended last week. Bald spots are battle scars.
Ughh on my way to the bathroom now... literally just puked on myself and cleaned it off with a hot dog bun... I love tailgate
i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
they named it eva bongoria. i had to hit it based on the name alone.
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
You gotta pick a side. My suggestion: side with tits.
So the bartender tried kicking me out but i screamed im an RA you cant kick me out
It's the building I live in, they were lucky I was wearing clothes at all
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
btw my ex came by last night and saw the pregnancy test intructions. awkwarrrrd.......
Sorry that I was such a monster last night. It was the drugs, I promise.
Randomize
