just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
By the way, her vagina was so tight i was worried that i would be stuck forever
I just had my first experience getting hit on by a guy. It was really awkward, he touched my chest and invited me to a gay bar because "women get drunk and let their guard down at gay bars"
thats actually pretty good logic
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
Also I spent like 2 hours on the hubble/nasa website sunday night looking at pictures of outer space and cried my face off at how beautiful and complex it is. What's wrong with me?!
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
you told the police officer you wanted to be just like her one day but not a lesbian
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
I did not know male screamers existed until now. Good for him. Good for my ego.
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
THIS FUCKNUGGET
DOES HE EVEN REALIZE HOW MANY INCREDIBLE INSULTS I'VE WASTED ON HIM
I'VE INSULTED THE EVERLOVING SHIT OUT OF HIM AND HE CAN'T EVEN APPRECIATE IT
THE HO
it was an ACCIDENT
it was a DICK
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