It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
Now that I've lowered my makeout age to 21 I have a whole new sea to fish in.
everything was going well until edgar threatened to handcuff the security guard to himself.
New justification for blow: drug week; 'how it's made'
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
How much more is Amanda Bynes going to rip out our hearts?!?!?
I was too drunk to remember throwing up so i probably didn't learn my lesson
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
Can I say it was a great night out of town? Fucking my co-worker in the hotel bed while my best friend is fucking his friend on the floor and a random guy is laying in the other bed meanwhile we are all passing a joint back and forth
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
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