Old men and throwing up are my life now.
I know I'm not learning anything when I can't even spell the name of the class I'm taking
I'm already at the bar. It's 2 PM. Help
Using his name makes it all too personal. I refuse to get attached to this one. This is all about ass. He doesn't get a name.
Drunk me forgot I'm not an 18yr old raver anymore. Adult me is now in pain.
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
Happy 4th. Did you guys get your syphilis thing taken care of?
My heart says buy the granny panties, but my vagina says don't throw in the towel yet.
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
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