party was madd awkward.. it was like every person who i sat next to in high school and never said hi to was there
I would give my right arm to go back to college. Or maybe not. Would be kinda hard to pick up guys with one arm. Then again, knowin what I do now...I could take any freshman bithc with only one arm.
Did I ever tell u about how my buddy fucked peter coors's daughter and made a tshirt that said I TAPPED THE ROCKIES with her picture on it?
I AM SAFE. EVERYTHING IS FOG. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED.
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
At this point i guess a traditional, non-life-threatening pity fuck is too much to ask for
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
I thought my ass was sore from the gym then I realized it was from being spanked. Confusing time in my life.
Urgent. Do not ignore. What does this "=$" shit mean. Quality foreign dick is at stake here
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize
