You'll put your fingers inside me but you won't be my FB friend?
i'm pretty sure you said "blowjob marathon" lastnight
i totally said that
Who did Billy Mays play for?
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
He suggested abortion before I finished the sentence. That was my plan too, but now I feel like should keep it just to prove how big of a dick he is.
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
Well after we were arrested you just kept chanting "Like a good neighbor state farm is there"
we got stoned then he started showing me how to make his penis look like a hamburger...if that's not true love idk what love is
i think i just lost a toe
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
I'll do whatever I want when I'm 80.
If you are still alive at 80 I demand a medical explanation.
How do you explain to your parents that you can't go to the library because you got banned for being drunk in there... on a Sunday afternoon?
That's $100,000 of quality education right there.
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
Randomize
