just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
just saw a girl come out of the tanning bed room on crutches, now thats determination
I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
Class is significantly more awkward when you know that your teacher knows what you look like with your legs behind your head... Just saying.
i feel like our whole relationship was one big acid trip
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
Your penis chewing exercise is not working
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
My vagina needs a break, I had to ice it with a beer bottle last night.
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
I'm keeping both. The way I see it, boyfriends come and go, but a good dick is forever.
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